McNab Report

Like all trends, they seem to change every ten years, we are just getting out of the hip hop era, thank god for that. Its saddens me to say that the new era that will become the standard for the next ten years is that of EMO. Much like Hip Hop, EMO also seems to have its own uniform. I am sure, in every EMO kids closet we will find one pair of jeans that are so tight, so johnny rotten, that one is left to wonder what the hell is going on, in and around the genital area.

Pants that tight, can’t be healthy. How can your body breath? I am sure after a couple of hours of not conforming that you’re left with a mean crotch sweat. All that BO just sitting there, no way for it to escape from the confines of your increasingly smelly genitals.

Being of the age where to date, be interested or attempt in some drunk manner to pick up an EMO kid would get me arrested and on the front page of the local newspaper, I can only wonder how EMO kids one night stands must unfold.

Now normally when you take a girl home, between the 13 glasses of corner shop piss Merlot they always serve to you in bars, you’ve managed to get this young delight into your lounge with out saying something that instantly turns her off the idea of having your hairy sweaty body on top of her. You undress her, the usual kissing and touching will be sure to take place. You’ve got down to her pants, and managed to pull them off, somewhere between telling her “you really like her” and that “I to can’t believe that this is happening”. Seeing that you’ve uncovered the promised land that you purchased for 5 glasses of wine and a couple of shots of tequlia. Only one tiny piece of cotton stands between you and five minutes of the worst drunk sex she will ever experience. You pull off that little piece of cotton and are greeted with a smell so foul, so fishy, so cheese you left in the back of the fridge that you must fight the urge to suddenly vomit on her now totally exposed body.

You look to the floor, the pants… the pants it rings in your mind. Why did those pants take so long to get off her. They were so tight you had to pull on them while she held on to the head board.

The worst part is that, she can’t smell it. It smells fisher than a anchovy’s cunt, and she still can’t smell it. Sweet mother jesus, what does this girl want. There is no way I’m going near that thing. A smell that bad, it would surely melt through any rubber I would be stupid enough to put on.

This is my point, boys and girls. We are all trying to get a quick shag. Thats why we dress up in these stupid clothes, that have been deemed popular by or marketing overlords and who are we do say other wise. Now please explain to me, why dress your self in such a way that even if you some how manage to get some one home, the idea of going anywhere near the other persons genitals is so unappealing, you are forced to run away or say something about your grand father dying.

However, I am sure after one of you have ran away from the smelly genitals, both of you will cry those bitter, “the world doesn’t understand me” tears. Both of your mascara will run and you’ll both think about cutting your arm, “So that you can feel something”.

Maybe thats why EMO kids cry so much, its not because, daddy didn’t buy then a car, or that people don’t understand them, that all people are sheep, that you just don’t get their poetry, its surely because that after choosing the trend they plan to follow, they realise that not even they want to man handle them selves.

Kids, your teenage years are some of the worst of you life, try as you might to look your best, mother nature is there is make sure you look you worst in our entire life. Smells, pimples, dirt, things even i have no yet figured out happen you you. And you think the best idea is to wear tight pants that must make you genitals smell, so rotten that not even the teen hungry priest down the road wants a slice of you.